I’m so angry, I’m shaking. This isn’t what I want to write about it. I want to write all kinds of good things about Monday night’s panel (which I will), but I’m just so over it. As seems to be the case so very often, some mundane task has to end in conflict simply because I’m on a bike. This is getting old. One of the things I said at the panel on Monday night was that you have to be thick-skinned to ride around here. I’m realizing now I’m not as thick-skinned as I thought.
I just got back from a short ride to the grocery store, which is about a mile away. My route is nothing but very quiet back streets and leads me directly to the grocery store parking lot. I was on my way back, riding with a smile, when I hear an obnoxiously loud honk and then some [exercising every ounce of restraint here] person revs her engine and passes me super fast to get to the light that is maybe 10 feet away.
I’m embarrassed to admit that I gave her a single finger wave–I’m usually very good about that, but it really pissed me off. Then I rode up next to her and waved at her to roll down her window. She ignored me for a bit but finally rolled it down. We had an exchange that went something like this:
M: “You know this is a residential street, right?
B: “Well you’re riding right in the middle of the lane! Why don’t you get out of the road?”
M “Because it’s the law. You should learn the law. And this is a 25 mile per hour residential street!”
B: “Well if you don’t want to get hit, I wouldn’t ride like that.”
M: “Is that a threat?”
B: “I wouldn’t tell my children to ride here. You should get out of the road.”
M: “Then that’s a problem that you should work on changing. This is a residential road. And you should learn the law.”
At that point, she shook her head and rolled up the window. I gave her the peace sign and just yelled, “Peace to you, lady.” Nothing conveys peace more than angrily shaking the peace sign at someone, I’m sure.
Then I cried the whole way home. It’s so lame. To be fair, my entire family (including me) has had the stomach flu since Monday night, so I’m not exactly mentally stable at this point. But I’m just so frustrated. I wish I knew The Right Way to handle conflicts like this. Or even better, I wish they would stop happening so much. Conflict like this just wears me out. I defuse enough fights with two kids that I simply don’t want this risk hanging over my head every time I make a run to the grocery store. To be honest, this plays a significant part in why I dread my ride to work–I feel like I am always on edge, waiting for that honk. I JUST WANT TO RIDE MY BIKE, PEOPLE!
Is there a right way? Should I write a script so I can calmly convey all the points I want to get across next time? Is it possible to handle these situations in a way that leaves you at least feeling like you made some headway?
Try this: http://www.deardriver.org/
It took me a couple decades to figure out that roadside education is usually a waste of time. When people suggest I shouldn’t be on the road I just say, “I’m fine, thanks.” Cheerfully dismissive is the best.
Honestly, I’ve pretty much decided they’re not interested in listening anyway, so I ignore, or just give a whole-hand wave to sort of say “I saw that!” Very occasionally, if I’m in the kind of mood you’re describing here, I succumb to the single-finger wave, too.
I know just how shaky all this can leave you, though. It’s not pleasant. I hope you get some time to take care of yourself now.
You really don’t gain anything by trying to talk to them. They’ve already made their mind up at that point, so I just accept it for what it is. An uneducated person making a mistake.
I usually give them a friendly wave just to let them know that they didn’t bother me or give them the hands in the air shoulder shrug that is intended to convey the question “Why the heck did you just do that?”.
Bottom line is that when I’m on my bike, I expect to encounter a few morons out there, just the same as I would if I were driving my car. It’s a shame that you have to take that attitude, but expecting it to happen at any time really helps me to just shrug it off when it does happen.
With that said, however, I can understand that it is probably an entirely different experience from a woman’s perspective.
Hang in there!
TW
I feel your pain. I’ve been treated that why by college kids on the way to campus, soccer moms and once by a school bus driver. Every time it happens I’m so riled up it takes me a long time to calm down.
What I have been doing is practicing memorization of license plates in case things get way out of hand.
Roll on, like Mighk said, I’m fine, Thanks!
It’s difficult to calmly talk when pumped with adrenaline. If a honk happens more than once, write the license down and roll on. It’s OK to cry.
If you have a good local tshirt/sweatshirt shop around, I’d suggest getting a run of shirts like the SF Bike Coalition offers with your civic code listed:
http://www.sfbike.org/images/store/sweatshirts_w_full.gif
Yes, it may be passive aggressive, but it does get a little bit of notice on and off the bike.
Drivers here aren’t usually a problem, but I generally laugh at them (I have a rather laud guffaw so it carries) or if the give me the finger I’ll wave or blow a kiss. I figure if I let them annoy me too much then the bullies win.
Funnily enough though, the last time I shouted at a driver was in exactly the same situation as you describe.
Thanks all! I should probably be upfront that the crying is a genetic problem. My grandfather is an Irish ex-footballer/wrestler that cries at the drop of a hat. I cry at the Pledge of Allegiance and don’t even get me started on the national anthem–it’s a rather unfortunate family plight.
I wasn’t scared–just phenomenally over it.
I like that Dear Driver site! What a great idea. I don’t know–I will keep working on getting better at this. I’m not a hot-headed person at all, but it’s hard to imagine just not saying anything. However, I’ve learned a lot of unexpected lessons in biking so I’ll try to trust this is another lesson to learn. Zen mama…
As Mighk said, it took me a long time to let go of the desire to “educate” people like that, as well. It’s so unjust, so infuriating, so degrading of our quality of life when we’re just minding our business and hurting no one.
I occasionally lose it, still. But in general, I have found that the smile and wave strategy (mentioned by several previous posters) kills the half-life of the incident. It leaves me with a quiet satisfaction that the person doesn’t know they got to me, and it forces me to let it go.
Trying to confront a person who has been hostile, magnifies the negativity. It almost never ends with any outcome other than compounded frustration for the cyclist. Anything you say will be met with an adolescent response which will make you feel more powerless and more angry. There is no silver bullet. The law is irrelevant. There is no information that will enlighten that kind of selfish, small-minded person.
As Danc said, it’s OK to cry. Incivility is hard to take sometimes. On the whole, nice people outnumber mean people, but sometimes the mean people come in clusters, or at just the wrong time with the other pressures in life.
A woman nearly hit me and my three year old on our Madsen yesterday. I nearly hit a car parked in the street. Maybe we need a bumper sticker that says something!
Angie, sorry for the stress & the flu. Nice to know this old Marine isn’t the only one who has tears at Old Glory & the national anthem. I cry much like your Grandfather, always have. Ride safe. Smile & wave.
Please forgive this unformed jumble of stuff you undoubtedly already know.
Confronting angry motorists is tempting, but there are safety issues to consider. If road enraged drivers are not good to mess with when your in your car, then it’s even less wise when you are in unequal vehicles. These types of drivers do not see us (the humans operating the vehicle) as equal to them. As someone pointed out, you are only dealing with a variation of what you would probably experience driving, but your just more vulnerable. And don’t forget, all cyclists are the same to them, so their anger with you only rolls on to the next cyclist in their path. We can’t live in fear of them, but we can’t win a war against them either.
Now, I know we can’t control their anger, but I try hard to “fight” their negativity with all I really have control over, which is my positivity. I hope that doesn’t sound too “hippy-dippy”. I’m not one of those folks easily prone to positivity (utility cycling is my therapy), and can easily get outraged by motorists. But what I find hope in is by trying to be one of the most polite riders possible. Then maybe, just maybe I can plant a seed in somebody’s head that cyclists can be more than just a nuisance, or even worthy of being considered (gasp) humans.
Basically we have to be better than “them”. Other people notice the interactions we have with motorists and pedestrians (who are often also motorists), and they tell others (more motorists), and it all trickles down. While I don’t really want to care what other people think, I do hope for a day when cyclists are respected. So if we can just be creative, without giving up our rights on the road, and figure out ways to add some positive words trickling in our favor, maybe we can get some [respect].
If this comes across as oh too idealistic, forgive me, I had a great riding day today. And I hope you all have one soon too.
Keep riding.
Max
Nicely said, Max. I try to be very polite, too. I have found that waving, just as you would in your car when someone “let’s you in,” goes very far. It goes even further when you do it prematurely, feigning that you thought they had already passed. This way you cash in on the politeness they reciprocate for the wave before they pass you.
I try to wave right when they are coming up on me, almost next to me. Then, as Angie has pointed out to me before, they are feeling all angry and they see that I’m just in a happy place, saying, “thanks!” Waves and riding go together–ask any surfer.
Jesse, I do the same thing… the pre-emptive thank you wave.
Angie, I’m late to just share my good wishes. I’ve been lucky to not get too many bone heads. I know how much it can rile you up and make you feel angry and vulnerable. Just sending my hugs out there to you. Keep on keeping on.
V
I’m way late to the conversation, but I know exactly how you feel. I’ve also ended some rides by crying, usually not until I arrive at my garage and then the dam breaks. Some people are simply horrible, but that knowledge doesn’t make it any easier to deal with them.
I’m even later than Dottie. Y’all have described things well: don’t try to educate a jerk. One tactic to baffle jerks: “Hi, Chris — see you at the church supper!” You get a laugh out of the fact that you’ve diffused their anger by saying something that just puzzles them.
I’m with you all the way – it’s hard to function properly when you’re furious. A couple of points:
Modern cars have extremely loud horns because modern cars have very good acoustical baffling in their passenger compartments. There is no ‘inside voice’ for car horns. It scares the crap out of me every time someone honks, even if they intend to be helpful.
You have a right to the lane. That said, when I’m riding my bike and I hear someone driving up behind me I usually pull to the side and wave them by. It’s almost always appreciated, especially on winding roads where there’s nowhere to pass safely.
There is no real answer in education or tolerance or any of that. The real answer is expensive and will take a long time to come to fruition. The truth is that our road networks have been built for cars, period. Especially in the newer communities your are expected to drive or walk. Bicycles are a third way, one which most of our transportation planners have never thought about seriously. That must and will change, but it’s gonna take a long time. And it’s gonna cost a lot of money, so that will make it take even longer.
I’m glad you’re putting your experiences out there. It’s great what you’re doing and it’s the only way to effect change over the long term. Family by family, we can and we will change our communities. Bicycling for transportation is here to stay; we have to keep reminding everyone that we belong and that we are the answer to a lot of vexing questions that plague out modern lives.
This is not true in every state, but in Florida, that woman who honked at you was breaking the law.
316.271 Horns and warning devices.
…
(3) The driver of a motor vehicle shall, WHEN REASONABLY NECESSARY TO ENSURE SAFE OPERATION, give audible warning with his or her horn, but SHALL NOT OTHERWISE USE SUCH HORN WHEN UPON A HIGHWAY.
(Capital letters mine, used where reasonably necessary for safe operation of this blog comment.)
In any interaction with motorists, I think I would take the legal offensive, or say nothing at all. Don’t bother defending your rights, point out that they are breaking the law by honking at you. Read them the number. Bonus if you can convince your local police department to put some unmarked cops on unmarked bikes to enforce that law.
PS note that since a bicycle is not a motor vehicle, you can blast your Air Zound all you want. No limits on your gratuitous noise.